The Broken
by Kayla-Peixis
Summary: It's been almost a year now. One year since it happened and Karkat's still trying to forget. But it's hard to forget when the whole world is forcing you to remember. Sadstuck warning and Humanstuck.
1. The Very First Page

I had my hood up and my head down, just like always. No matter where I was I walked like that. No one would see my face and sometimes, sometimes, I would fly under the radar. It was a rainy Monday morning and I was trying to get to my first period undetected and so far it was working. It seemed like everyone had different ways of going from place to place unnoticed. Mine was to simply walk straight there. No getting side tracked, ignore all the stupid comments people made, keep your cool for as long as is humanly possible, and I would be there before I knew it. Of course this didn't always work. Sometimes I couldn't simply ignore them and I wasn't one to keep my cool, but I had taught myself how to do it well enough and most of the time I didn't flip out.

Most of the time.

As I was walking though the hallway someone bumped into me, obviously on purpose.

"Watch it, Vantas." It was an extremely stupid thing to say given the fact they bumped into me. I looked up to see who it was and low and behold, it was Dave Strider. Everyone concerned him the coolest, most popular person in school, not like I gave a crap about that stuff. Sadly for me I was the only one. I stopped walking, probably thinking of something to say, something I would later regret. Because I stopped someone ended up running into me, of course. I staggered backwards and looked to see who ran in to me. Of course it was Terezi Pyrope.

"Crap!" I said going down to the ground to help her pick up the stuff she had dropped. "I'm sorry! Here," I picked up one of her books as she stood up.

She looked at me. I couldn't she her eyes thought her glasses but I'm sure she was glaring at me. She snatched the book out of my hand "I don't want your help, Vantas," and she stormed off, not looking back.

I remember when Terezi and I were friends. She was cool and she put up with my crabbiness and I put up with her licking. But now…now she's a jerk just like the rest of them. So why, why didn't I hate her like I hated Dave? Why did I help her even though she made it quite clear she wanted nothing to do with me? Why couldn't I let go?

Even she called me Vantas, like everyone else did now. Before they would just call me Karkat or some weird nickname and leave it at that, but now everything had changed. Now I was always Vantas, or worse things. Everything had changed, suddenly, abruptly, without any warning, not too long ago. I tried my best to think about life before, back when I wasn't a social outcast. Now there were people I never talked about or talked to. People who were once my friends. I tried not to think about that. I tried to think that every day I made it through was one day closer to freedom.

I continued walking, pushing unwanted thoughts from my mind. There was a group of around six students clogging up the hallway, but no one told them to move or leave. Of course not. They were the popular ones.

I hate popular people. Even the word feels like poison in my mouth. I never really got what made them 'popular' and if I had it my way we'd all just be kids, no ranking or anything. Then again it isn't mine to decide. I hated all popular people but I'm sure my school had some of the worst. Their group consisted of Dave and Terezi, who were now going out. I guess those two were the most popular in their group, but I don't really know. It seems like the whole school treats them like gods. I wonder if any of them remember when Terezi was that weird blind girl who licked people and Dave was that arrogant new kid from Texas. I doubt they did. It seemed like everyone at this school was pretty fast at forgetting things. Anyway other then the two of them there was Egbert. There was a time when I wouldn't call him that. I would call him John and he would call me Karkat instead of Vantas and always point out how my name was like 'car' and 'cat' and I'd tell him to shut up and we were friends. We'd hang out and he'd make me laugh once in a while and make a huge deal out of it whenever he did. He'd always smile when I insulted him and laugh it off because he knew I didn't mean it. He'd sit with me at lunch and hang out with the rest of our weird group of misfits just like Sollux used to do. Not Sollux. Captor. For some reason calling them by their last names made it easier to think about them, like maybe I wasn't talking about them. Maybe there was someone else out there with the same last name. But I always knew who I was talking about and what they did. In the end it wasn't that much easier. It made it clear in my mind that we weren't on a speaking basis anymore.

Sometimes I would think about the two of them and wonder where it went wrong. Well, I knew the major reason, but sometimes I would wonder if there was something else other than that. Something I did, something I said, that made them hate me. I knew with John it was that he was friends with me and with Dave and over time he had to choose between us. Dave was the better option. Now he stood there with Dave laughing, trying not to stand out within the group of kids, and never acknowledging my existence. Of the whole group, John wasn't the worst of them, but for me it was definitely the most painful in a way. Seeing him every day made it more real that all my friends were gone. All of them. Captor was gone too. I liked to blame him for everything. Well maybe not everything, just most of it. I think in the end I blamed myself. I just needed to take the weight off my shoulders so I took it out mentally on Sollux, blaming him for everything that had come undone, but now…I don't even know. What had gone wrong with him? It seemed like he would have put himself together, moved on, not forgetting, just becoming strong, acting like it didn't bother him, just like I'd done. But maybe he had done that. He'd just done it without me.

Maybe I wasn't a part of his new life. Maybe that's why he ignored my emails or whenever I pestered him. He hadn't said a word to me since that fateful day. It had been almost a year now. A year since it all fell apart. Now I was considered a target for everyone. That's why I learned to keep my hood up and my head down, acting like I wasn't even there.

I sighed and walked past John and the rest of the popular people. This included Eridan Ampora, who like John hadn't always been up there, unlike Dave and Vriska who for the most part had always been on top. Other than Eridan there was Vriska and Kanaya. I considered Vriska the worst, at least for the girls. She was a complete and utter jerk. Her whole goal was to get to the top, stepping on whomever she wanted. Now that she was on the top, she did whatever she wanted. I guess Kanaya didn't really count. She was nice enough but her best friend was Vriska so she would always hang out with the so called popular ones. She was a complete fashionista but was also incredibly smart. She used to be nice but I think Vriska had poisoned her from the inside, killing that part of her. I'd never seen Kanaya at her worst but I didn't doubt that she could be as wicked as the rest of them. Deep down inside, we're all monsters.

I acted like they didn't bother me. Like what they did was nothing big, maybe just slightly annoying, but it was a big deal. At least today nothing had happened so far but given the fact first period hadn't started yet, I shouldn't hold my breath. I had learned to be ready for anything.

As I continued walking down the hallway someone darted past me, weaving thought the crowds of high schoolers. I knew who it was. Feferi Peixes. In a way she was like me, one of those people no one talked to. Sometimes I wondered what had happened to her. Well I guess I knew, but sometime it seemed like more than that. I guess I'd never know.

She stopped at her locker and let out a small gasp, barely audible over the other sounds of school. Fish Girl was written on her locker in black lipstick. That happened almost every week though. Before no one really cared about her odd obsession with fish, but now everyone made a big deal about it. I sighed and decided to do the right thing for once. I walked over to Feferi's locker.

"Do you want me to help you clean that off?" I asked.

"What?" she said, turning to me. Her voice was oddly high pitched for a 16 year old. It was probably because she almost never talked and when she did she usually whispered. In class if she had to answer a question she would usually just nod or shake her head or act as if she didn't know. Sometimes she would answer and it would be so quiet no one could hear her and people would whisper and mock her. Whenever that happened she would either act like she didn't notice or just stare down at her feet.

Feferi used to be one of the coolest, nicest people in school. Everyone liked her and she basically liked everyone and always saw the best in people. Now it was the opposite. No one wanted to be seen with her and when they did it was for all the wrong reasons. There was even a time she invited me over to her house along with…well with him. Gamzee Makara, my old best friend. I tried to never talk about him, think about, and do anything referring to him anymore. When people were being jerks, they used his name as their last weapon. Other than that they wouldn't even mention him or…her. Oh god why was I thinking about them. It was too early in the morning for this. Actually that didn't matter. I'd been trying my best to forget them for the longest time.

I remember back when things were being to fade a little bit, even before the 'incident'. I had been slowly becoming uncool, but at least I still had all my friends Like Captor and Egbert and _them. _I remember after someone called me Vantas she turned to me and said, "It's so weird how they call you Vantas now. Oh well, you'll always be Karkitty to me!" I guess I was just Vantas now.

Sometimes I wondered if they missed me, or if they were even in a place where they could miss me. _No Karkat, _I thought, _don't think about that. Try not to think about them. You can't. It will just bring more pain then you already have to deal with. _I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and decided to focus on Feferi.

"You know you don't have to help," she said "It will actually probably be best if you just…go." She didn't say it in a mean way, more in a way she actually cared. She was probably right. The two of us hanging out together would just attract more attention.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah. I mean, it's happened before. I got it."

Feferi and I hadn't been close friends. But lately whenever the class got to chose partners we got stuck together. We also sat at lunch together because there was one table where no one else sat. Other than that we didn't hang out.

Technically there were three of us, the three social outcasts. Feferi, me and Tavros Nitram. I felt especially bad for Feferi because she didn't have anyone to turn to. She'd lost one of her best friends, Eridan, long ago. She'd also lost… Oh god, why was I thinking of all these people I wanted to forget. She'd been Feferi's best friend, even though she was obsessed with the dead while Feferi was all about life. They still were somehow best friends. Now after everything that had happened Feferi was extremely unstable. She'd randomly freak out in class or something which I guess is one of the reasons she became uncool. Now, with everything that had happened and everyone hating her, I think she finally broke. It was like she was some little kid's toy that didn't work and it was time for her to be thrown away, but it seemed like they were having too much fun and they would keep playing even if she wouldn't respond.

I tried not to think about anything, but of course that was impossible. My thoughts kept lingering on Feferi. She was actually pretty, even thought I would never like her in that way. She had long dirty blonde hair and bright sea blue eyes, which seemed more pale lately. She was a little short but not too much below average. She never wore make up and looked pretty anyway. She was also really, really skinny. Her physical scars had faded, even if her mental ones were still bleeding.

Before it was her personality that made people like her. She had the nicest smile in the world and something about her made it seem like everything was going to be ok. She would also stand up to anyone who was being mean to her or anyone else. Yeah, she was the perfect popular kid. Everyone liked her, unlike the new popular kids most people are just scared of. That was all before everything fell apart. Now she was like this, hunched over, darting through the halls, trying her best not to be noticed, rarely talking.

Feferi strangely reminded me of this My Little Pony called FlutterShy or something like that. I had only seen My Little Pony once and Sollux used to hold it against me. I saw it one time when was at...well _her _house. He was there too and he said he was just there because they were best friends but I knew he secretly like My Little Pony. Oh god, why did I keep thinking about them.

Gamzee.

Aradia.

Equius.

Nepeta.

The unmentionables.

**R.I.P Charlotte** **Bacon, 6, February 22 2006- December 14 2012 and Daniel Barden, 7, September 25 2005-December 14 2012**

**A/N: Hey guys, I'm back with another sadstuck fanfiction. Just wanted you to know I've actually written all of this fanfic already but I'm slightly dyslectic so I have to have my editor read thought it first and fix a bunch of dumb mistakes. He's been sort of busy so that's my only excuse for not posting. Thanks for reading and please review. **


	2. A Drop of Pain

We are brave.

Almost everyone at my school is a coward. They're either bullies or people who sat there and watched and thanked god it didn't happen to them. I think my old group of friends was different. I guess we were willing to risk everything to help people. Like how Feferi was willing to be friends with Tavros even though everyone hated him because he broke up with Vriska. That's how Tavros became one of our friends. All of us, at least then, had been brave. Now both Captor and Egbert had shown their true colors of being scared of becoming uncool or whatever. Maybe they had just pretended to be like us when really they were scared all along. I remembered what John had said to me when he'd 'broken up with me' or whatever. "Sorry Karkat. Sometimes you have to make decisions and let's be honest; you would have done the same in my place." Showed what our friendship was worth. John had just decided to keep climbing, getting higher on the popular scale or whatever. Well now I was so low I could keep climbing for a million years and never make it very high at all.

Finally first period was done and I was walking down the hallways. Science was pretty far from Language Arts. I thought about stopping to talk to Feferi just to see if she had managed to get the lipstick off her locker when I noticed something.

"Hey fish girl," Vriska said to Feferi as she was trying to get something out of her locker.

"Uh," Feferi made a weird unintelligible noise. She always freaked out when Vriska talked to her. Vriska sort of had that effect on people.

"What was that? I'm trying to talk to you. The least you could do is talk back," Vriska said harshly.

"Uh, h-hey Vriska," Feferi said, shakily, so quietly I could barely hear.

"Oh, joy. You've finally got the guts to say something to me, did you? It's been soooooooo long since you've spoken a word to me."

"Uh, um," Feferi said, looking at the ground, like somehow that would make Vriska go away.

"Oh, there she goes again. It's soooo sad how poor little Feferi can't even talk anymore after her boyfriend left her."

"We, we, we weren't going out," Feferi said, stammering.

"Oh really? So sad. He obviously didn't care that much about you anyway. Neither of them did. Remember how your stupid love triangle or square or whatever used to be such a big deal? You, Eridan, Sollux, and then Aradia and even Equius showed up and how whenever anyone talked about it you'd just say it's working out. I guess it did in a way. I guess unexpected things just happened don't they FF?" Vriska spat out the last word and Feferi winced at the sound of her old nickname and Vriska pretended like she didn't notice. It felt like Vriska was just working on what she knew would hurt Feferi. In all their conversations she had never called her FF and I guess she was trying it out, seeing how much it hurt her. I felt like I should do something, yet I didn't. I just watched it all play out.

Finally Feferi took in a deep breath, "W-what do you want Vriska?"

"What was that? I couldn't hear you. My god you're the most pathetic thing in school, maybe besides Nitram. I mean, even Vantas is better than you, even if just barely."

"Ju-just leave them out of this." She said clenching her teeth. Her binder was pressed up against her chest with one hand. The other one was at her side, holding a chocolate bar. Feferi told me one time that she stress eats, which basically means when she freaks out, she calms down by eating something, usually chocolate. She said it was sort of like how chocolate was like medicine in Harry Potter. Eridan had loved Harry Potter and Feferi had read it just to make him happy, and then ended up loving it. The only time she seemed really mad at Eridan is when he told her some spoiler and she flipped. She'd gotten over it of course. She was such a major fangirl sometimes just like Nepeta used to be. Though I try not to mention that, in my mind or out loud.

"Leave them out of this? Why should I?" Vriska said. "You guys have no leverage against anyone and I can talk about you any way I want. You don't have any power any more Fef." Now she was using Eridan's nickname for her. It was sad that this wasn't the worse I'd seen Vriska be before. Vriska casually shut Feferi's locker, took a step closer and pushed Feferi back into the locker, hard. Feferi let out a moan of pain and by mistake dropped her books. She got down to pick them up and Vriska stabbed her high heel into Feferi's hand.

"Ow!" Feferi cried and then the bell rang.

"I guess I should get to class," Vriska said. Before she left she grabbed the chocolate bar Feferi dropped "But you won't be needing this. You're fat enough already. See you later FF," and with that Vriska left.

"Feferi," I said going over to her side. "You OK?"

"Karkat, you should just go to class." She looked up at me and I could see the tears forming in her eyes and knew she was going to cry. I couldn't tell if it was because of the physical pain or the emotional or maybe both. She picked up her stuff quickly and darted into the girl's bathroom. Part of me thought about going in to make sure she was OK, the other part thought I should leave her alone. So I went to math and got yelled at for being late. I slumped down in my seat and listened to the stupid math lecture. Feferi didn't come to class at all and I could picture her crying, alone in the girl's bathroom.

Maybe I'm not so brave.

**R.I.P. Olivia Engel, 6, July 7 2006 - December 14 2012 and Josephine Gay, 7, December 11 2005 – December 14 2012**


	3. Rumors, Lies, and Memories

**A/N Hey guys! I'm very sorry about the late update. My editor and I have both been really busy lately. But hey, this is the longest chapter so far. Hope you enjoy!**

Math was the most boring class in the world. All you did was memorize facts and write them down. I already knew most of the stuff we were going over anyway. As of right now I was just listening to my teacher go on and on about something I learned last year. I kept wondering if Feferi was ok, but we had different 3rd periods so I didn't know. She had never shown up during science.

Math class was the worst mostly because the legendary Dave Strider sat behind me in class in the very back row. Terezi sat next to him and most of the rest of the popular kids were in this class as well, besides Kanaya. John used to sit next to me until one day he asked the teacher to change seats and for whatever reason my teacher said yes. I sat next to his empty desk and the aisle and I was glad. I liked sitting alone without anyone to bother me. In the middle of class I heard Terezi laughing behind me. I looked behind me and Terezi was talking to Dave about who knows what. When I looked behind me they both stopped talking and looked up at me. Terezi was smiling and Dave was, as always, poker faced.

That's when the teacher said "Alright class. I need to go up to the office really quickly. I expect you all to be responsible enough to not to do anything stupid." His eyes lingered on Vriska "Everyone just work on your homework until I get back," then he left. As soon as he left the class erupted in a chorus of talking. I sighed and tried my best to work on my homework. Even though the class was allowed to talk Dave and Terezi kept whispering. I kept ignoring them.

Vriska sat right in front of me, of course. John had come over and the two of them were talking like the idiots they were. John was totally in love with her and she obviously didn't feel the same way. If he was still my friend I would just tell him to get over it, she was a huge jerk, and go out with Rose. But now I honestly didn't care. He could go fall in love and get his heart broken all he wanted for all I cared.

Suddenly Terezi stood up and handed something Vriska.

"What's this?" Vriska asked.

"Just read it," Terezi and sat back down.

Vriska read it and started laughing like an idiot. Vriska's laugh was the worst sounding laugh in the world. It sounded like a million cats chocking to death, and if you listened to it for too long you'd probably go crazy. The weird thing is even she knows her laugh is horrible so as soon as she started laughing she covered her mouth, thank god. She took her hand off her mouth and smiled in the most evil way possible.

"What?" John said and she just handed the note to him.

"What?" He said again "That doesn't ma-"

"Oh just go with it John!" Vriska said, standing up. "Trust me it will be a hilarious!"

"Uh, you sure?" he said nervously and I laughed internally. John would never fit into the popular group fully because he didn't crave danger and wasn't a complete idiot, usually.

"Of course I'm sure!" Vriska said. She took the note from his hand and walked across the room. "I'm gonna show this to Ampora. Bye." And she walked across the room to Eridan's desk.

"Wwhat do you wwant?" he asked without looking up.

"Read this. Now." she said dropping the note on his desk.

"Wwhy?" he asked, eyeing it suspiciously.

"Because! Just read it!" she said angrily. Eridan just shrugged and read it.

All of this was weird but not unusual. Every once and a while one of them would think of something and rather than say it out loud they did this. But one thing I'd learned from past experiences was it definitely not a good sign. Something bad was on the horizon.

God I just hate school.

It's moments like this when I remember all those times I almost told my brother or my dad but I knew they either wouldn't listen or they wouldn't care. My brother would probably just rant on about 'triggers' or something like that. They would never get it. They would never see how far this had gone.

"Wwhat?" Eridan said, in shock.

"Shh!" Vriska said, taking the note off his desk and refolded it. "Don't say anything yet. All in good time. Plus," she said with an evil smile, "I'm going to be the one to start the fun."

Then Terezi stood up and walked over to Vriska "Wait," she said, "you aren't going to tell everyone, are you?"

"Oh course I am! This crap is hilarious!"

"What?" Terezi said, seemingly shocked "You can't do that. It's just a joke it's not really true!"

Vriska took a step closer and whispered "Since when has that stopped us?"

"But he's my..."

"What?" Vriska exclaimed "Don't say it. He is not you friend any more Terezi. Right?"

"What? Of course not."

"Then why do you care?" Vriska asked, twirling her hair with her fingers.

"It's just…we were just..." Terezi trailed off while Vriska stared at her, her eyes like piercing blades. "Ugh! Fine, do whatever you want!" It's weird how Vriska could make things go her way without saying a word.

It was also weird how everyone was completely ignoring them. No one noticed –or seemed to notice- what had gone one between the two girls. Then the bell rang and I picked up my stuff and dropped it off in my locker. I still hadn't seen Feferi but I knew I was bound to see her soon. She'd be fine.

At least that's what I told myself so I wouldn't feel so guilty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~timeskip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~timeskip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After 3rd period we went to homeroom and we listened to all these announcements we already knew about, then we went to CoreFlex. CoreFlex is the half hour period before lunch where you basically catch up on work or go the commons. Since I didn't have any homework I made my way to the commons. I wished I had homework because then you go to the library where everyone is shutting up for the most part and I get to be alone, or at least pretty alone.

I finally walked into the commons. Almost everyone in my grade was there and it was extremely loud and crowded. Tables were set up just like in lunch and I made my way towards the back. The tables were all circular and were able to have up to ten people sitting at one time. No one ever sat at the very back table. Ever. It was an unspoken rule everyone followed. No one had sat there for almost a year and I'm sure if anyone did everyone would flip out. Whenever there was a new kid someone would go up to them and tell them. For some reason whenever I walked to the back of the room something inside me told me to sit there. Not many people sat in the back, apparently that's where nerds and other social outcasts were banished to. Maybe they wouldn't even notice, but I never did, more for my sake than anyone else's.

I sat down at a table near the back. No one else was sitting relatively close to it. Perfect. Everyone sat down in the middle first and filled out from there and because there were a ton of extra unnecessary tables the ones in the very front and back often remained empty. The popular people got the table in the exact middle of the room, right in the middle of the universe they created.

I stared at the center of the universe where I could see Vriska gossiping, John next to her absorbing every word, and I was over here, on the outskirts of their realm in my own little galaxy, Population One. Wait no, make that three. Feferi came over, clutching a sketch pad to her body. She sat across the table from me and pulled out a pencil and began drawing. I had no idea if she could draw well or not because she never let anyone see her drawings, even before. She'd always hid them from us and say maybe she'd show us one day. She said she'd only shown two people in the world and I'm pretty sure they were… never mind. Different subject.

Anyway they-by they I mean the popular people- hadn't done a lot today besides the thing with Feferi and usually they did worse than that. Maybe the thought because the fateful day was drawing closer they didn't need to be jerks to us. Maybe they knew we were going to be jerks to ourselves.

The day. Yes it was coming closer. An anniversary of sorts. On that day it will have been a year since it happened. A year before it all fell apart. I didn't know what I was going to do on that day and I didn't dwell on it. One day it would happen. I'd worry about it then. Maybe I'd just go to school, pretend it was another day. They'd probably say something. I mean they couldn't totally act like it never happened could they?

Then Tavros came over and sat next to Feferi. "Hey Feferi," he said and she looked up and smiled at him. The smile seemed realer than most, yet still completely fake. I knew how she must feel. It was so hard to force a smile sometimes.

Tavros had learned how to get around in a wheel chair pretty well given the fact he had the worst motorized wheelchair in existence which would sometimes just shut down. I realized that day would also mark a year since Tavros last walked. They said he would most likely never walk again in his life. They had started doing tests on him before but I think he'd long since given up hope he'd be able to stand ever again.

"Hey Vantassssssss," Oh god it was Vriska. She'd snuck up on me when I wasn't paying attention and now I was stuck in her spider web. I could tell almost everyone was trying not to watch us. I knew they were waiting for a show. I looked up and glanced around the room and several heads turned away. I saw Terezi, Dave and the rest of them in the center of the universe. Terezi looked sad, depressed almost. Dave said something and pulled everyone's attention from Vriska and me. I sighed. "What do you want Vriska?" I said. I didn't want to put up with this today. Then again, I didn't want to put up with this any day.

"Oh, I don't know. You just look so lonely over here," she said with a wicked smile.

"Why do you think that is?" I said rolling my eyes.

"I don't know, 'cause you're anti-social or whatever. Are you implying it was something I did?" she said, pretending to be offended. "I don't really care, though."

"Then why did you sit over here?"

"Just to tell you that your secret's out," She said smiling.

My secret? Which one? None of them would I want _Vriska _to know. I think about how Terezi showed Vriska that note earlier. Oh god no, Terezi knew a lot of stuff about me. So did John.

"What secret?" I said, trying to remain calm.

"That you're gay." She said shortly.

"What?" out of all the things I thought she'd say it wasn't that. "I'm not gay!" Out of all the years this school has been standing there only been one openly gay couple. That had been…what did she call them? PBJ? I tried my best not to think about that. Fate had sunk that ship.

"I'm not gay," I repeated. I had suspicions about people I thought might be and there wasn't anything wrong with it at all. I just wasn't. Most of my life I'd thought I'd liked Terezi and now I told myself I didn't like anyone, even thought I knew it was a lie. But our love would never work out. Ever.

Vriska laughed a little at my reaction, "Why on earth do you think I'm gay?" I asked.

"Because you love rom coms and crappy romance novels." She said shrugging. "I mean that's girl crap. I mean no guy would openly read that stuff, like in front of people."

"I guess I honestly don't give a crap what you guys think about me."

"Then why do you care if we think you're gay?"

"Because I'm not. I mean, yeah I read romance novels and I don't care what you think about that but I'm not really gay."

"So you don't care if we think you a prissy girly freak?" she said, spitting out each word.

"Nope. I don't care about that. I do care if you think I'm gay."

"Well it's basically being gay," she said, twirling her hair again.

"No it's not. Why don't you just shut up and leave me alone for once in your life!"

"You totally like John."

"WHAT?"

"Obviously."

"The heck with John. He's a total idiot." I said.

"Don't," she yelled, grabbing me arm, tightly, "say that about John again. Ever!"

"Fine," I said, pushing her hand off my arm.

Vriska closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then opened her eyes again, "Well I just wanted you to know you could stop hiding the truth all the time now."

"Hiding what again?"

"That you're gay you idiot! It was totally obvious all along but now everyone knows for sure."

"You told everyone?" she just smiled and nodded.

Why wasn't I surprised?

"It's just what I have to do Karkat. I don't like secrets," she said. Yeah, Vriska's totally the one who doesn't like secrets. Seriously her last name sounds a lot like secret. Serket, Secret, not much difference.

On that note Vriska left, smiling like her plan had gone off perfectly, which I guess it did in a way. I sighed and sunk down in my seat. What the heck. What the actual heck? The bell rang and that meant it was time for fourth period and after that was lunch. Oh my god this was all so stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Another~time~warp~for~you~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After buying lunch I went to sit at the same table I had at CoreFlex. Even in lunch no one sat in the very back table or any of the tables around it. One of the tables back there was just for me, Feferi, and Tavros and no one else. Every once in a while Vriska would sit next to us just to be a jerk but that was it.

Almost all the tables had more than the max amount of students at them but no one did anything about it because frankly the teachers didn't care what we did. I sat down at the table and ignored people looking at me and pointing and laughing. God I hated this. All of it. I hated how people stared at me wherever I went. I hated going home and doing nothing but stare up at my ceiling and hope someday it would all be better again. I hated seeing Feferi and Tavros. I hated Vriska's laugh. I hated how Terezi and John ignored me. I hated remembering how it used to be. Above all I hated how it haunted me like a nightmare that replayed over and over every time I closed my eyes. It was all so stupid, so unnecessary. I wished it would all just disappear. There were times I used to think about suicide, but I never really actually did it, obviously. Each time I thought about it the thoughts would pass for whatever reason. I honestly didn't have any reason to live anymore. In fact if I ever did do it I'm sure everyone at school would be overjoyed. Maybe, hopefully, Terezi and Egbert would be _overjoyed _but they'd get over it pretty fast. They seemed to have gotten over the rest of them pretty quickly.

They had been one time I'd almost actually done it. I was in my room with the sharpest knife from the kitchen. I'd stared at myself in the mirror. '_So this is how it ends. 16 years old and you've finally figured out this world wasn't meant for you,_' I'd thought, '_quit procrastinating! Get it done with. You'll see your real friends soon. Egbert, Captor, Terezi, they didn't actually care. It would be better for everyone if I didn't exist._ _Karkat, you're heading home.'_

"Karkat," Kankri came in my room without knocking. I quickly stuck the knife under my covers.

"What do you want Kankri?" I said bitterly. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted just to move on.

"I was wondering…" he trailed off. He knew, somehow he'd known what I was going to do, "I was wondering if you were ok."

We sat there in silence until I shook my head and a tear fell from my eye. He came over and gave me a hug.

"Don't worry Karkat. This storm will be over soon." And that was the last time we'd had a longer conversation then just "hi".

I shoved those thoughts out of my mind and moved the disgusting food around with my fork. I usually didn't eat much of it because it was so hard to keep down. I usually just made myself a sandwich or something when I got home and before locking myself in my room. Kankri and my dad didn't care and it was just a part of life.

Tavros sat at the end of the table, not talking to me, like usual. I admit, even before we'd never been really close friends. I was kind of a jerk to him when we were younger and even thought we both agreed I was just an idiot then we still weren't exactly close. But before the 'accident' as people called it, even though they knew it was an accident, we'd started getting along and started become friends I guess. I knew it was all because one major thing in our lives drew us together. Gamzee.

"Oh Gamzee, you're such an idiot." What? I just whispered that under my breath so no one could hear but why? I remember saying it some many times before whenever he messed up. I guess I'm the one who messed up now.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. That's what I did when I thought about them too much. When I opened my eyes I saw Feferi sit down next to Tavros. I don't know why but I thought of how noticeable we were, no matter how hard we tried. Feferi slunk down when she walked and I always wore black but nothing ever worked. How much longer would we be the ones their eyes always turned to? How much longer did I have to put up with this? How many more times could I break before I finally shattered? How much more of this could I take?

After a while the bell rang and lunch was over. Feferi hadn't eaten anything. She never did.

I closed my eyes again. The day was drawing closer as was an undying weight on my shoulders that wouldn't fade. Again that question flashed though my mind.

How much more of this could I take this?

**R.I.P Dylan Hockley, 6, March 82006 – December 14 2012 and Madeleine F. Hsu, 6, July 10 2006- December 14 2012**


	4. Furends Furever

**A/N: Sorry this took so long to upload! i'll try to post another chapter before Christmas. Just so you know the italics are flash backs. I'm very sorry for my horrible Gamzee and Equius writing. **

_It was almost the end of the school year. The teachers were still trying to force the last ounce of knowledge into our brains before we took these huge tests we have to take at the end of every school year. Luckily for me I'd already taken my first two tests and only had one more left. So I just stared at the clock, ignoring my science teacher's ranting. Only five more minutes. Five more minutes until this period was done and I only had free period left, thank god. I also got to see Nepeta then and I had some important stuff to tell her. Gamzee, Nepeta, Aradia, Equius, Sollux, and Tavros were all in free period with me._

_Just three more minutes. _

_But how would I tell her if Equius was there. Maybe I'd find a way to get her alone, but how? This was important and I wanted to do it in private. _

_BEEP!_

_Class was done. _

_I darted out of the classroom as fast as possible. Gamzee was waiting at the door. His class always got out a few minutes early and he'd always wait for me. _

_"Hey bro," he said smiling as I tried getting my locker open. _

_"Hey," I said shortly "Where's Tavros?" Tavros' class also got out early at this period so Gamzee would say hi to him first._

_"Haven't seen him yet," Gamzee said with a shrug, "Had to say hi to my best bro first."_

_"Isn't he your best bro now?" Finally I got my stupid locker to open._

_"Nah. We're…we're…" He said, looking to find the right words, "we're more than that." He finished._

_"Yeah," I said turning to him "And if anyone gives you crap about that tell me."_

_"No offense Karbro but I'd be better at beating someone else than you," He said, laughing slightly._

_"Yeah whatever. Tell me anyway."_

_Suddenly I hear a voice from behind me "AC sneaks up on her crabby friend, CG, and greets him with a huge TACKLE POUNCE!" then someone jumped on me from behind._

_"Ugh Nepeta!" I said, smiling, just a little bit._

_"Hey Karkitty! Hey Gamzee!" she said. Equius walked up behind her. _

_"Hey Equius. Nepeta, get off of me," I said. _

_"Oh you know you like it Karkitty!" she said, sliding off my back. "We have free period now, right?"_

_"Yep," Gamzee said._

_"You guys know where Sollux is?" I asked and as if on cue Sollux came up with Aradia behind him. _

_"Hey guyth," He said. God his lisp was so annoying._

_"Hello." Aradia said. Something about her gave off a spooky vibe we'd gotten used to long ago._

_"Hey Aradia, hey Sollux," I said._

_"I'm gonna go say hi to Tavbro," Gamzee said "see you guys there." Before he walked away he remembered something. "Oh crap I didn't put my stuff away." His locker was right above mine and I moved over while he put his stuff way. I was glad he was the locker above mine. It usually was someone who well, tended not to like me very much. Cough VRISKA cough. _

_"I'll go get FF," Sollux said._

_"I'll come with you," Aradia said._

_"My guess is that she's hanging out with Eridan." I said shrugging. "Come on, let's just get to class. You'll see her there." Aradia nodded and leaned up against the lockers waiting for me to finish so we could leave._

_That's when two shrill bells sounded, so loud it could make your ears bleed. _

_I quickly scanned my mind. Our school had a complex system of alarm bells. Different amounts of bells meant different things. What did two short ones mean? Then I remembered. Two was for an intruder. Then another bell rang. _

_That meant it was not a drill. _

I woke up covered in a cold sweat. That dream, that stupid dream. It kept happening over and over and over again. And even if I remembered it was just a dream I couldn't wake up, I couldn't change it. My mind went through everything that had happened that day, everything I thought, everything I did, everything I said, everything was the same. So many times I would think _Karkat either wake up or do something to change this. Get them out of there, leave for class earlier, do something to save them. _But nothing would work.

I got out of bed and went into the bathroom and threw water on my face. I could tell I wasn't going to fall back to sleep. It was gonna be a long night. I looked at the time. 2 o'clock. Of course.

I lay down in my bed, staring up at the dark ceiling as if somehow if I started long enough, focusing on only it, all my problems would go away. It didn't work. I shut my eyes. How many times had the dream happened now? Too many times to count.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling again. Maybe I could tell myself I was just a dream. It never happened, they never existed. But then why was there a chumhandle called arisenCatnip that hadn't been used in over a year? No, they had been all too real and that dream was my dreaded reality. That didn't stop me from telling myself it never happened. It was all a dream. Everything's alright.

While lying there I had a stupid, irrational idea. I stood up and walked over to my closet and opened it. As much as part of me wanted it to be a dream the other part wanted to show me it wasn't; that all those memories I had of them were real. I got a box out of my closet a pulled it into the middle of the floor. The box was duct taped shut and I hadn't looked at it in a long, long time. I got scissors off my nightstand and cut off the duct tape in the darkness. Finally I cut it all off and I yanked it open and looked at the contents inside. They were present to me for my last birthday with them.

I could still remember that day perfectly. All my friends, even one's I wasn't super close with, had come over. John, Sollux, and Gamzee got to sleep over while the others just hung out for the day. I sighed and looked through the contents of the box. A ton of Kitkat bars from Tavros. There was GhostBusters one and two from John along with a note that said 'you can be a nerd with me now,' and Red Pop and Grape Faygo from Gamzee.

_Oh god, Karkat just stop it! Don't do this to yourself!_ But I didn't stop. I couldn't.

Next was a laptop, not a super expensive one, which had been really old and crappy before Sollux fixed it so it could work and go on the internet and do PesterChum and stuff like that. Under that in the box were its charger and a blue and red mouse. Feferi, Aradia, and Equius had all come as well, even though the only reason I invited Equius was because Nepeta persuaded me, and they had all gotten me a present together. Well it was mostly Aradia and Feferi's idea with some help from Equius. They had gotten me an MP3 player Equius helped fix. I knew they'd gotten it because they all had one and I always complained how I didn't have one. It was pretty good now and they already preprogrammed a ton of songs on it. There was also a recording that went like this:

"Hey Karkat! Happy birthday! Hope you like our present." Feferi said. I could imagine her smiling holding the MP3 player up to her month so it could hear her.

"I'm here too!" Aradia shouted in the back ground." We just want to wish you-"

"A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Feferi said interrupting her.

"Yes. And many, many, many more!" Aradia said. Then the recording ended.

I placed the MP3 player down next to the other things I'd taken out of the boxes and continued searching. A scalemate, made by Terezi herself, which was impressive if you thought about it. It was a white one with a red stomach and teal eyes because my favorite color was red and hers was teal and because, quoting her, 'White looks good with anything." Which was interesting because she couldn't see.

My hand kept moving thought the contents of the box. Only one more gift. The scrap book.

It was so thick it was hard to believe. There was a flash drive taped to the front with a note that said 'Hey Karkitty! I had no idea what to get mew for your birthday! I had so many ideas and I didn't know what you'd like the most. Then I thought of this and I knew I'd be purrfect! All the pictures are also on this flash drive in case anything happens to the original. I just want mew to know you're a pawsome furend Karkitty and always will be. And I'm glad you've always been there for me. I consider you one of my best friends ever (even if you are a bit crabby at times)! I know deep down inside you're a total softy (I know mew going to be mad at me for saying that). I gave you this so you can always remember us after high school, even though I know we'll still be furends after that too, even if we have different collages or careers. Just always remember no matter what the pesterchum handle arisenCatnip and I'll always remember carcinoGeneticist! *AC gives her crabby furend a hug, even thought he acts like he doesn't want one*.'

No Karkat. Don't do it. I ignored myself and opened the first page in the scrap book as tears began to stream down my face.

First there was a picture of all of us as of last year, posing and smiling. Next was one of Gamzee and me in second grade. Then one of her in mid tackle pounce on Equius. One of Feferi and Aradia in 5th grade, showing off their new friendship necklaces. One of our trips to the water park in 6th grade. One of Terezi, Aradia, Feferi, and Nepeta at the Halloween party dressed as a dragon, a zombie, a sea princess and a lion in 1st grade. One of me Sollux and Gamzee just last year, hanging out. Oh god why was I looking at this? A picture of the three of us in kindergarten. Slowly I looked through every page, absorbing all the memories. At the end there were blank pages with the caption 'I hope you remember this Karkitty! I left blank pages at the end so we could fill them out as time goes by because I know we'll always be having good times together, no matter what! We'll all be friends, through thick and thin. Bye Karkitty! :33'

That was it. I closed the scrap booked, lay on the ground, curled up into a ball and cried.

**R.I.P Catherine V. Hubbard, 6, June 8, 2006 - December 12, 2012 and Chase Kowalski, 7, October 31, 2005 – December 14, 2012**


	5. carcinoGeneticist Is Online

_My hand was around Gamzee's arm in a second. I pulled him in to the closest enclosed space which happened to be the girl's bathroom. Equius had pushed Nepeta in as well and Sollux, Equius, and Aradia had come in as well. I got the key and locked the door from the inside. They had been a lot of school break ins around the area so the school bought locks you could lock from the inside just in case. Thank God they did._

_I looked behind me. Nepeta was pressed up against the back wall next to Equius. Sollux and Aradia did the same. This is what we were supposed to do. Get up against the back wall after locking the door. Nepeta sat down on the ground and the rest of us joined her. _

_Nepeta was breathing heavily "Karkitty…"_

_"Shh. Don't worry. It'll be fine. Just don't say anything and we'll be fine." I said. I was freaking out mentally but this was a time I had to be a leader._

_I wish I knew who was breaking in. No one had seen their face or anything like that. It was a pretty big deal. I told myself we'd be fine. I put my hand on Nepeta's hand and squeezed it. I was breathing heavily. There was absolutely no sound at all. "It's going to be alright," I whispered again. I closed my eyes. Maybe if I did that this would all go away. It didn't. My heart was racing. I looked at Nepeta. Her eyes were squeezed tight and Equius's hand was on hers. My eyes moved to Aradia and Sollux. Neither of them were moving, Aradia silently stared at the door to the bathroom, Sollux's eyes were covered by his glasses. Everything was so silent and so still. We were going to be fine. We're going to be alright. Nothing was changing and no one was moving at all. Maybe this was just a dark twisted dream. _

_That's when we heard the scream. _

Even though I fell asleep on the floor I woke up in my bed and all my presents were put away. It was too early and I had gone through too much emotional crap last night to wonder how that had happened. I had got through two out of three parts of the dream. I was thankful I didn't experience the last one, it was the worst.

Over the last year I'd been trying my best to teach myself to forget. But now the nightmares were coming back. They'd stopped for a while but now they'd returned to haunt me again. So I went numb and shut down. Your Karkat has gone into permanent hibernation. My laptop had done that once and I flipped out until Sollux fixed it.

I went into auto pilot. I pulled a black shirt on and a pair of jeans but I had no intentions on going to school. Somehow I happened to "miss" the school bus. I stood outside in the rain, letting it shock me completely. The wind whipped my hair around, sending the rain in all directions. Oh my God this was so dumb. No not dumb. This was so horrible, so wrong. Why did this have to happen to me?

That's when I noticed our –or more Kankri's- car hadn't left. My dad took the bus to work usually and Kankri took the car and drove to the community college around 15 minutes away. Then Kankri came out of the house and I hid. He didn't even look in my direction. Instead he opened up a gray umbrella and walked down the street. He didn't have any of his stuff with and I wondered where he was going. I didn't have anything better to do so I followed him. We got into town pretty quickly and the streets became crowded. It was harder to follow him but easier to not be seen.

Kankri never really talked much especially in the last months. I guess I never really talked to anyone, especially outside of school other than the rare Pesterchum conversation.

I continued following him until we reached his destination, which was a Starbucks.

"Hello Kankri," It was Porrim holding a coffee cup with her name scribbled on it. I hadn't seen her in a long time and was happy with that.

"Hello," Kankri said, glumly.

"I'm guessing you're brother didn't concede. I thought he would. It _is_ for his own good." What was she talking about? He hadn't said anything to me.

"No. Maybe it's better like this." Kankri said.

"Maybe…" Porrim said, obviously unsure.

"I mean…I wouldn't know. He doesn't talk to me much anymore so I don't know what he's going through. He hasn't said a thing about John or Terezi but I know Sollux stopped talking to him, which is probably hard on him. I just wish we could be brothers again," he said with a sigh.

"Don't worry Kankri, it'll work out in the end. I feel so bad for Karkat and well, for all of you. Even Kanaya's acting weird, hanging out with this Vriska girl, you know Aranea's sister. I love Aranea to death but her sister…" she trailed off. "Oh well. I'm sure in the end we'll all be alright. Come on Kankri. We have places to go."

"Yeah," Kankri said. He opened his umbrella again and Porrim stood under it and they continued down the crowded street. I knew Kankri thought of Porrim as just friends and I wasn't 100% sure if Porrim was dating Aranea or not. I continued standing there until I realized I stood out significantly in a crowd of mostly adults. I didn't bother following them. Instead I just walked back to my house in the rain.

When I got home the school called –they always did when a kid wasn't excused for school- and I didn't answer. No one was home and I sighed, dried off and decided to make myself a sandwich. I made one but never ate it. I realized I had made peanut butter and jelly so I threw it away. I never ate PB&J. Ever. I knew it was weird but I had my reasons. I guess everyone has reasons for the things they do. I'd learned that now. Everyone has a past you don't know, even your best friend. One day you may know why they do things, maybe not. People are weird like that.

I went into my room and did an idiotic thing, like usual. I stared at myself in the mirror and began talking to myself.

"Oh come on Karkat. Pull yourself together. You can't start skipping school all the time. Remember your plan? Make it through school, graduate, go to a good college, and get far, far, far away from here. Then get a job and live every day like it's your last because you personally know how fast it can all disappear." Then I sighed again, picked up my stuff and walked to school.

"What is your excuse for tardiness?" the lady at the front desk asked.

I hadn't been out the long so and I didn't have a very good excuse. "I slept in late and missed the bus. My dad couldn't drive me so I had to walk here alone." This excuse was pretty weak because I was within ten minutes walking distance from the school. I just hoped she didn't know that.

She looked skeptical but didn't say anything "Ok, here," she gave me a note to give to my teacher.

I walked into second period and people looked at me and laughed, probably because they thought I was gay now or whatever. I honestly didn't give a crap. Second period ended and before I knew it I was in CoreFlex again. I did what I usually did, sitting near the back. This time I took out my phone and opened Pesterchum. I started a conversation with the person I wanted to Pester and stared at my phone. It probably wasn't worth it to send them a message but I did it anyway.

CG: HEY

AC: :33 AC is not currently available. I'll try to answer as soon as pawsible. I don't get many so thanks. You can leave your reason for trying to talk to me, but you don't have to. I probably know mew anyway. I don't get many random conversations from strangers, especially when I'm off line. Anyway I'm sure we can talk later! Bye!

It had been the same message for a year now, but it didn't stop me from talking to her at times. I felt sad and happy too, but mostly sad. Sollux had been the one to find how to set up the auto responder. At the time we'd all thought it was awesome and now it was just like hearing from them again. I'd gotten rid of mine as had Sollux. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I closed my eyes and started talking to one more person.

CG: HEY

CG: BRO

TC: TC iS nOt cUrReNtLy aVaIlAbLe. I'm PrObAbLy NoT oNlInE oR I lOsT mY pHoNe AgAiN, iN wHiCh cAsE I'm SoRrY. I'lL tRy tO gEt BaCk To YoU lAtEr CaUsE yOu'Re PrObAbLy PrEtTy AwEsOmE. If I dOn'T kNoW yOu, HeY nIcE tO mEeT yOu, aNd If I dO kNoW yOu, WeLl HeY bRoS. If ThIs Is HoNk HoNk MeOw ThAn sUp bRo, I'vE gOt SoMeThInG iMpOrTaNt To TeLl YoU. SeE yOu BrO's LaTeR :o).

The important thing he'd had to tell me was that he was going out with Tavros and he never changed his message after that, yet every time I saw it now I thought, 'What if he did have something to tell me?'

I guess I'll never know.

**Jesse Lewis, 6, June 30 2006- December 14 2012 and Ana Marquez-Greene, 6 April 4 2006 – December 14 2012 **


	6. I Love You

_"Feferi!" Aradia cried and in a second she'd unlocked the bathroom and run. Sollux followed her screaming "AA! Don't!"_

_We stood there in shock. Then Nepeta let go of my hand and darted after them, Equius behind her. I looked at Gamzee "Don't Gamzee," I whispered but he too left. I ran after them with one thought in mind. 'We're all going to die.'_

_Feferi was in the guy's bathroom not far away. Aradia had almost literally broken through the door. When we entered we saw Feferi pinned ageist the wall, trying her best to fight the person pinning her there but with no success._

_The person pinning her against the wall was a man wearing a black hoodie. The hood had fallen off revealing his hair which stuck out in all directions like how you'd picture a crazy person. He had a holster with a gun in it and a knife in one hand. Feferi was fighting as hard as she could, but it was useless. She probably only weighed 90 pounds._

_"You're such a pretty girl," the man said, "If only you'd smile more." He smiled and cut the sides of her month and blood ran down her face, staining the front of her shirt._

_That's when Aradia came in. She ran at him and I knew she didn't know what she was doing. She had one thought on her mind. Save Feferi._

_He hadn't seen or heard her; either that or she was too fast for him to comprehend right away. Anyway, she caught him off guard and he staggered backwards, letting Feferi fall to the ground. I had no idea what he had done to Feferi before we arrived but she was covered in blood and she slumped to the ground as if suddenly all her limbs had been rendered useless. Aradia clung to his arm and tried her best to push him up against the wall but he got his bearings quickly and Aradia, like Feferi, wasn't very strong. He threw her up against the bathroom wall and she clenched her teeth in pain. Feferi was trying to stand up, but couldn't. _

_"Aradia," she whispered, "Oh God." Her voice was weak and raspy. Aradia ignored her and readied herself to run at him again. He smiled and pulled out his gun._

No Karkat no! Wake up! It's all a dream! A horrible, realistic dream. Just wake up!

_Before Aradia could run at him again he shot her. I didn't know if he had meant to shoot her there or if he had terrible aim, but he hit her in the shoulder. When that happened only one thought went through my mind. I knew that shot wouldn't kill her._

_Then there was a cry, not of pain but of fury. Nepeta darted past me and jumped him, which surprisingly knocked him down. She didn't have any sort of weapon at all. She sunk her finger nails into his face. While this wouldn't do much for most, Nepeta's finger nails were long and sharp, which I had learned the hard way. The man simply laughed at her feeble attempts at stopping him and he grabbed her arm. She tried to get away, but it was useless. His other hand was holding his knife. I tried to force myself to move but my feet were glued to the floor. I was unmovable. _

_Then Equius came in. The second he saw Nepeta I knew something was going to happen, fast. Where was Sollux, where was Gamzee? Everything was happening so fast. Why, oh why, couldn't I go help my friends when they needed me most? _

Karkat just wake up! You know how this ends! Don't force yourself through this again.

_Equius pinned him up against the wall in seconds. He had dropped his gun and Aradia picked it up off the ground. What was she going to do with it anyway? I knew Aradia wasn't a murderer, even if the guy was a psycho, I doubted she could kill him. Then again, I didn't know her that well. Maybe she was willing to do it if it meant saving her friend's life. _

_The man smiled at Aradia and kicked Equius off him easily. Apparently he was much stronger then he seemed. He turned and Aradia was pointing the gun at his heart. Her eyes were big and she was breathing heavily. It was silent. Pure silence. I turned to Aradia and had one thought. _

_Pull the trigger._

Why? Why couldn't she just do it? Sure she would be a killer, but she would be alive. They would be alive and with me. I wouldn't be so alone. Was it worth it? Was it worth it to die and watch your friends die because you couldn't pull a trigger?

Or was it worth it to die innocent rather than to live a monster?

_He smiled at her and then gripped his knife. I hadn't even realized he still had it in his hand. He took a step forward and stabbed her just beneath her rib cage. _

_For a moment she stood there motionless. Then both her hands went to the knife and she dropped the gun. Her legs gave out and she fell to the floor. She didn't scream. All she made was a deep sigh and she sunk to the ground. The knife was deep in her and she closed her eyes and fell on her back. Blood started pooling around her. The he grabbed his gun and shot Equius right though the heart._

It all happened so fast. It took place in a few seconds. SECONDS!

My life changed forever in matter of seconds.

_Nepeta suddenly stood up. She hadn't been moving much and even now you could tell it hurt her. "Equius," she yelled. Her voice was filled with pain and sorrow. Then her eyes met his and she growled "You're going to pay!"_

_He smiled. He had a knife in one hand and a gun in the other. I knew he could kill her in a second. She knew that too, she just didn't care._

_"NEPETA!" I cried and for a second I was able to move. Just not fast enough. _

_She ran at him and he just laughed. I heard a gun fire and I looked up. Nepeta had been shot in the shoulder. She clenched her teeth. I saw tears fall from her eyes yet she stayed standing, staring him in the eyes. She was not going down without a fight. _

Wake up you idiot! You know what's coming next!

_That's when Gamzee, Sollux, and Tavros came in. Sollux saw Aradia and Feferi and he instantly ran to their sides, ignoring the already dead body of Equius. Gamzee saw what had happened and he pushed Tavros behind him and whispered, "run."_

_ Why was this happening so fast? I could barely comprehend everything that was happening. It seemed I had just run into the boy's bathroom and now three of my friends bodies were on the floor and I couldn't tell if they were breathing any more. Nepeta was bleeding from her shoulder, barely standing._

_The killer seemed as though he didn't notice the new arrivals. All of his attention was on Nepeta. He shot her in the other shoulder. It didn't seem as though he was trying to simply kill her. It was more like he was toying with her. She let out a mangled cry. _

_Gamzee pushed Tavros back again and ran at him. That's when I realized I was right; he hadn't noticed the new arrivals. He hadn't seen Gamzee arrive. I saw Sollux next to Aradia. He was kneeling in a pool of blood. I could tell he had no idea what to do. "AA," he whispered, "AA you've got to be ok." I thought I heard her whisper, "Don't worry Sollux. I'm still alive."_

_One thought went through my mind, 'Where are the police? Shouldn't they be here? As soon the bell went off the police were notified. So where were they?' _

_As strong as Gamzee was, the man was much stronger. He staggered back but that was mostly because he was caught off guard and he got his bearings back quickly. In a moment he shot Nepeta twice in the stomach and this time she finally fell. The man ignored her now, his attention fully on Gamzee. He obviously thought she was going to die. He had another knife clenched in his hand._

Wake up Karkat! Just wake up!

_ "Gamzee!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I tried to run and save him, but I was too late. The man had Gamzee pinned up ageist the wall, knife in hand. He cut him from his forehead to his collarbone. Then again from there down to his heart. The knife went in deep. He dropped him and Gamzee fell to the ground. Aradia, Feferi, Nepeta, Equius, and now Gamzee were on the ground, bleeding to death. Someone was running to his side. Tavros._

_ "Gamzee!" he yelled, "No!" He was by his side, "No. Gamzee don't leave me." Then there was a gun shot. Tavros had been shot in the spine._

_ Then his attention turned to me. He held up the gun and aimed it at my heart. Then he pulled the trigger and my life flashed before my eyes then…_

_Nothing. _

_He was out of bullets._

_I also realized he was out of knives. One was in Aradia and one was in Gamzee. I looked at him and whatever instincts my friends had experienced caught up to me then. I was filled with rage. Not sadness. No, the only thing I thought about now was killing him. I didn't know how but I would. I was going to kill him. _

_ That's when the police came. Too late. It was too late now. There was nothing they could do. There were shots and yelling and someone called an ambulance and suddenly I was by Nepeta's side, staring into her olive-green eyes. _

_ "Nepeta?" I said, "Oh, please, please, please be alive!"_

_ "Karkitty?" she looked lost, like she had woken from a dream, "Karkitty are you there?"_

Karkat wake! Don't go through this part again!

_ "Yes! Yes Nepeta I'm here!"_

_ "Hey, Karkitty," she said, "What happened?"_

_ "I, I don't know," I said. Suddenly it was all catching up to me and tears started forming in my eyes._

_ "There, there was a guy. He had a knife, and, and a gun," she said then moaned in pain, "Oh Karkitty it hurts all over."_

_ "No it's all right Nepeta. Just stay with me," I said desperately._

_ "Oh no, it's not Karkitty," she smiled a tiny bit, "and you know that. But that's ok."_

_ "No, no, no it's going to be fine. It's going to be alright."_

_ "What about Equius? He got shot too didn't he?" she said, ignoring my failed attempts at reassurance. When I didn't reply she seemed to mentally put the pieces together, "He did, didn't he? Oh no…"_

_ "It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine, Equius is going to be fine." I knew that was a lie. He had been shot straight thought the heart. He was dead already. _

_ "No Karkitty, It's not," I felt the tears stream down my face. "Karkitty?" _

_"Yes, Nepeta?" The tears were coming faster and I tried to force them to stop so Nepeta couldn't tell I was freaking out. She knew anyway. Tears fell from her eyes too, slowly and soundlessly._

_ "I want you to know, even if I'm going to die now, that you and everyone else have given the best life I could ask for. Now I'm passing on."_

_ "No. No you'll be fine! Trust me!"_

_ "I trust you Karkitty. That doesn't mean I'm gonna live."_

_ "No. NO!" _

_ "Uh," she made a cry of pain, "But Karkitty before you go I have to tell you something."_

_ "No, Nepeta. You'll be fine. You can tell me later, when we're passed all this."_

_ "Fine. Let me tell you now just in case. If that's the case here I just want you to know as soon as possible, in case I don't make it though."_

_ I sighed, trying to stabilize my voice yet it was still shaky, "Yes Nepeta?"_

_ "You know how you would ask me who I shipped you with." I could hear the ambulance pull up in the background._

_ She sighed and before I could protest she continued "You and me, well, we were my OTP." She sighed again "One true pairing." She was losing herself._

_ "NO! Nepeta stay with me!" I said_

_ "Oh Karkitty," she smiled, "Equius is standing up now."_

_"What?" I said._

_"He's never going to stand again .I think I'll go join Equius now. We can go role play and have fun." She smiled contently. "Maybe I'll get to see my mom. I've missed her so much. She died when I was seven."_

_I was full out crying now, not even trying to stop it, "No Nepeta! It's fine. It's ok. Stay with me."_

_"Oh Karkitty it's all beginning to fade away. I can still hear your voice. And see you eyes. I love your eyes. They're beautiful."_

_"No, Nepeta don't leave me! Please don't leave me!" I cried._

_ "Karkat, please, please let me die."_

_"What?"_

_"You're the only reason I'm not dead yet. I'm holding on for you Karkitty but I can't much longer. Please let me go. Let me go home. It hurts everywhere. It won't hurt there. I'll finally be safe and sound."_

_I looked at the hurt in her eyes. Her eyes that used to shine so bright. Eyes I had thought would shine bright forever. "OK Nepeta. You can go home now," I whispered._

_"Karkitty," her eyes are strained, like she's barely with me "I need you to promise me something."_

_"Y-yes Nepeta."_

_"Please, please, please, always remember why you're here; always know you're here for a reason. I think that only in the instants before you die do you realize why life is worth living. Just-just always remember that." _

_"O-ok Nepeta."_

_"Thank you Karkitty," she shut her eyes, smiled and sighed. "One last thing Karkat."_

_"Yes Nepeta?"_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

**R.I.P Benjamin Wheeler, 6, September 12 2006- December 14 2012 and Allison N. Wyatt, 6, July 3 2006- December 14 2012**


	7. Memory Lane

As the fateful anniversary drew closer things got worse. The nightmares came more often, Feferi stopped talking, and I shut down. Permanent hibernation, but this time I didn't have Sollux to fix me. This time I had to fix myself. Then again I'd done it before, I could do it again.

Everyone became so dark and grim at school. Not just for me or for Feferi or Tavros, but for everyone. Only Vriska and Dave looked unaffected. I noticed that they'd stopped bothering me for the most part.

My emotions were definitely acting weird. Sometimes I was sad while other times I was just numb. It felt like I didn't care. Whenever I saw Terezi I wanted to go over and talk to her, like she was my last friend, but in her eyes I wasn't her friend any more. She had always had ways to make me smile, just like John used to. She'd even made Nepeta smile after her favorite cat had died. Nothing would make me smile now and I didn't have friends so it didn't matter anyway. Nothing really did. It was a week before the day. The day that would mark one year. A year since they died, a year since Tavros couldn't walk, a year since Terezi changed, a year since Kankri started acting weird. One year.

A lot can happen in a year.

I went to school on Monday, ignoring everyone, acting like they weren't even there. Everyone ignored me too, for the most part. They were all freaking out over how John was going out with Vriska. Oh God, just when I thought he had a little bit of sanity. I guess they both deserved each other.

I didn't even feel bad for myself anymore. I could have made those last few weeks perfect. I could have told Nepeta how I really felt, I could have told Sollux, Gamzee, and John what they meant to me and I could have at least tried to be friends more with Aradia and Equius. Feferi couldn't have. She'd definitely had problems with Aradia and Eridan and Sollux. She went out with Eridan then told him she didn't like him that much and Sollux and blah blah blah. Also even though she didn't care about all that she didn't have any sort of support from her home or anything. Even thought she was incredibly rich her mom and her sister didn't care about her at all. All the money in the world can't buy you family.

The days passed uneventfully. When I got home one day I stared at the calendar I had in my bedroom. I didn't even know why I had it in the first place and I hadn't changed it since February. I found myself changing it, why I don't know. Then it was May. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes and began to remember random memories of the last year or so.

I remember when there were cameras from news stations all around us. They were asking me questions and I didn't answer. Apparently I wasn't exactly helpful to them and luckily I never ended up on TV.

I remember that night at the hospital. I hadn't slept at all that night, of course. Even though I was uninjured they took me to the emergency room to make sure I was ok. It had been the longest night of my life. Sollux had waited with me in silence. I had been holding on to the hope that at least Gamzee had lived. But doctors came and delivered the news. They were all dead, all besides Tavros and Feferi. They were all gone.

We had been in a separate room from everyone else for some reason. It was complete silence between the two of us. I wanted to say something but I never did. I was too depressed, too in shock I guess to bother speaking. I was also afraid he was going to blame me for not doing anything. I didn't help at all and I knew it. I hoped he didn't think that, but part of me knew he did. Who wouldn't? Finally after a lifetime of waiting a doctor came in an announced the death of our friends. He told us that Tavros was in critical condition but would most likely live, yet never walk again. Feferi would live as well. After that I left the hospital silently.

Outside the room Sollux and I had been in, Kankri was waiting for me. I have no idea why it surprised me that other people were there. Of course other people would be there. I knew Meulin, Kurloz, Mituna and of course Kankri. There was another girl there with two long braids being comforted by a girl with a short blue dress on. A boy with black hair in a pony tail and goggles on who I instantly knew was Equius's brother was trying to make a boy with red streaks in his hair feel better, to no avail. Another girl I didn't recognize sat alone in the back, smoking, earning her a glare from the nurse at the desk. I could tell from their faces that they didn't know yet. Kankri stood up and walked over to me.

"Karkat," he said, lightly touching me arm.

"Don't touch me!" I snarled, ripping me arm away from him. For whatever reason I wasn't sad right now. More mad. Mad at Kankri more specifically.

"Karkat," Kankri said calmly. I didn't want him to be calm.

"I'm going home," I said. I don't know why. I want to go home on my own, alone. "I'm walking home."

"Karkat are you-"

"I'm fine!" I yelled. "I'm fine. They're not. That's the problem here if you didn't pick up on that!" The room was silent. Only Kankri and I were talking, or yelling more like on my half. "Just leave me alone Kankri," and with that I left and walked home. I guess that's how this whole thing between me and him started.

I randomly had another memory or flashback or whatever. It was one week before it happened and because Nepeta's birthday was coming up Gamzee, Terezi and I agreed that for her birthday we would take her to the movies. We were all busy on her _actually _birthday so we decided to do it a bit before. She came over to my house like the second or third time ever. As painful as it was I had gotten Kankri to drive us to the movie theater. I was hoping to avoid a ride filled with talk of triggers.

"I keep furgetting how nice your place is," Nepeta said I we walked in.

"Thanks I guess? Or was that and insult?" She didn't answer, just giggled. We walked in and she said hello to Kankri and I dragged her into my room to avoid any long rant.

She sat down on my bed and took her scarf and jacket off. "I keep furgetting how hot it is now that it's May," she said. "I mean seriously!"

We had time to kill before we had to go so we went on my computer and played some Skyrim, a game she loved and a game that didn't make me want to rage quit every 20 seconds. Later it was time to go and she forgot her scarf yet remembered it in the car. I promised to bring it to her Monday.

We watched the movie which I personally thought was great. In the middle I might have begun to cry a little bit.

"Karkitty, are mew crying?"

"No!" I said, a bit too loudly.

"It's ok," she whispered, "it is really sad."

She never told anyone, thank God. I forgot to give her her scarf on Monday.

Or Tuesday.

Or Friday.

Or ever.

I still had it, hidden. I meant to give it to her on Friday, but obviously I couldn't. I never looked at it or touched it or anything. I felt sort of guilty I guess for not giving it back.

The week was just one long painful trip down memory lane. Sometimes I wanted to go over and talk to Feferi or Tavros but I never did and never would. It seemed like all day they went though school like mindless robots without any emotion. Lord knows what happened when they left school. I hoped I looked like that, unaffected by what was going on. At least I wasn't being bullied anymore. No one was talking to me at all, which I much preferred.

One day I got home and Kankri wasn't home. He was usually there before I got home but I didn't really care. He didn't come home until the next day so I had to spend the night alone because my dad was in D.C doing some stuff for work. I had no idea why but something seemed intensely terrifying about being home alone. I felt like something was watching me. I was always fine being home alone at night before but now it seemed scary, like I was ten years old or something. Maybe I needed Kankri, even if it was just a little. We'd only really had two long conversations since the incident.

"I could help you," Kankri said, "Trust me Karkat."

"I don't want your help!" I yelled.

"Yes you do. You need someone to help you. You can't do this alone." I was freaking out while he was remaining calm. I didn't want him calm.

"No I don't. I don't need anyone. Just leave me alone for once Kankri. It's my life, not yours." I'd stormed off then and slammed my door and pretended not to feel even a tiny bit guilty. I mean he just wanted to help. I'd never been close to Kankri, he'd sort of just been some guy who lived in my house my whole life and could talk for hours on end about any sort of topic you gave him. Yes Kankri and I had a weird relationship. Our dad was gone a lot so it was usually just the two of us in our huge house. He was sort of like my dad but…not really I guess. It was complicated.

Anyway, I had made it though that night fine. When he came home neither of us said a word to each other, just like always.

Everyday things seemed worse and worse. I wished that the day after the anniversary it would all go back to what I had tried to make my life lately. Like the new found weight on my shoulders would magically lighten again. So my life would be sustainable without their memories crushing me. I hoped I didn't look like what I was feeling on the inside on the outside. I hoped I still looked like I wasn't breaking.

Sometimes when I saw Tavros I would remember his previous crush on Vriska and laugh mentally. Not a real laugh though. More like, 'well that's pretty pathetic isn't it?'

The days kept counting down and horrible and beautiful memories kept entering my mind then leaving. Then came the day. The day it had been a whole year.

Oh joy.

** A/N: If you couldn't tell, this is mostly a filler chapter. Sorry! Also sorry about the short hiatus. My internet isn't working on my laptop. Anyway I'm should update pretty soon. Thank for reading and please review. **


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